As a member of the LDS church, I made a covenant that I would not have sex with anyone other than my husband. Since I haven’t yet had the opportunity for marriage, this means that I am still a virgin. That’s right—I’ve never had sex—and yet …. I am still happy! Although I have no doubt that sex with a loving spouse is a great contributor to happiness, not having that does not automatically mean I have become a bitter, sexless old maid. In considering how to approach this topic, I’ve thought of some questions that might be posed to me, if someone actually wanted to ask about my sex (or really, non-sex) life.
1. Is your sex drive lower than normal?
Absolutely not. I find men very (sometimes very extremely!) attractive and feel the same urges as any healthy adult woman. However, because I made a commitment years ago that I wouldn’t give into temptation, I know that sex is off the table and not even an option in my dating life.
Absolutely not. I find men very (sometimes very extremely!) attractive and feel the same urges as any healthy adult woman. However, because I made a commitment years ago that I wouldn’t give into temptation, I know that sex is off the table and not even an option in my dating life.
2. Have you ever had the opportunity to have sex?
Yes. Several times, actually. I’d rather not go into details about it, but obviously I didn’t do it—and sometimes it wasn’t as easy to say no as I would have liked.
3. How do you resist temptation?
One thing that is helpful for me is to only date LDS men. Most of them have made the same commitment as I have to abstinence before marriage and have other similar values to mine. For people who are not LDS, I think it is still helpful to date people with similar beliefs and goals to their own. Sometimes thoughts pop into my head without any apparent provocation (Why, hello, Captain Hook from Once Upon a Time. You are looking soooo hot today!), so distractions are also a good thing. Doing something I love is usually adequate to divert my attention and keep my mind from dwelling on sex. People talk about how guys are obsessed with sex, but girls think about it a lot too. Thinking about it and acting on those thoughts are not the same thing, though. In a society that encourages people to do whatever they feel, it is important to remember that it is not impossible to maintain self-control and decency while enjoying life.
4. Are you a prude and just don’t know much about sex?
I have to say, I think I actually know more about sex than I need to—from health class, friends, family members, television, movies, etc., etc. As for being a prude, my friends would probably laugh at that. I confess I often tend towards awkward, inappropriate humor and should probably tone it down sometimes—but it’s so dang funny! I enjoy a good “that’s what she said” joke as much as anyone. I have been trying to do better lately, though, about staying away from trashy movies and TV shows.
5. Do you ever feel frustrated or resentful that you don’t get to have sex?
Um….yes. Of course! Remaining a virgin doesn’t mean I don’t ever want to have sex or wish that I could. Luckily, I don’t feel that way all the time. Focusing on the myriad of other awesome things in my life is really the best way I’ve found to thwart feelings of bitterness.
Sex is only one aspect of life and a lack of it doesn’t have to hinder the joy I find in everything else. I have so many things to be grateful for and plenty of other exciting things to do!
